The behaviour of female contestants on the popular TV show Love Island sparked a debate a while back about toxic femininity. Viewers accused three women on the show of exhibiting double standards, hypocrisy, gaslighting, and weaponising their “sisterhood” to support each other’s bad behaviour. This prompted discussions about toxic femininity and whether it is becoming a problem in society.
Toxic femininity is the counterpart to the concept of toxic masculinity, which refers to the negative aspects of traditional masculine norms. The term toxic femininity has gained traction recently, with different interpretations depending on who is using it. Some describe it as the pressure on women to conform to societal expectations of being quiet, submissive, and nurturing to avoid conflict with men. Men’s rights activists, on the other hand, see it as evidence that the #MeToo movement has given women too much power, which they supposedly exploit.
In the case of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp, Heard was labeled as an example of toxic femininity by Depp’s supporters. Many female fans of Depp also endorsed this view. However, feminists argue against the term, claiming it is unnecessary and harmful. Nevertheless, women who have witnessed or experienced toxic behavior among other women, whether in school, social settings, or workplaces, know that it can exist.
The examples of toxic femininity are numerous. They range from women engaging in manipulation, passive aggression, competition, and forming alliances to enhance their social status. Instances of exclusion, mean comments, and judgmental behaviour can be observed in various settings, such as schools, yoga studios, social groups, or workplaces dominated by women. While these may not be representative of all women, it would be disingenuous to deny their existence or pretend they haven’t happened.
To gain a male perspective on toxic femininity, conversations with men reveal similar experiences. Men recount instances where they feel perpetually expected to pay for dates or face casual rejection. They share stories of women expecting them to conform to specific sexual preferences without clear communication, and when they express surprise or disagreement, they are accused of shaming or abusing their privilege. Men also express frustration with the pressure to be financially viable and the expectation that they should pay for women’s expenses on dates.
The modern expectation that men should pay for women plays into traditional gender roles and can be seen as unfair. It reinforces the idea of men as providers and women as dependents, perpetuating damaging stereotypes. Furthermore, it feeds into the narratives of those who monetise misogyny, suggesting that women only value high-status men. This notion is echoed by men who express their belief that women prioritise status, leading to feelings of contempt and resentment.
However, it is important to consider whether focusing on toxic femininity is useful or relevant in the grand scheme of things. In light of the alarming rates of domestic violence and low rape prosecution rates, discussions about Love Island controversies or who pays for a date may seem trivial. These issues may pale in comparison to the larger challenges facing women.
Social psychologist Dr. Devon Price argues that toxic masculinity and toxic femininity are interdependent, each reinforcing the other. Eliminating one without addressing the other may not lead to meaningful change. While paying for one’s share of expenses may seem like a minor act, it can be seen as a step towards equality and dismantling harmful gender norms.
The concept of toxic femininity has sparked debates and discussions about women’s behaviour and societal expectations. While some reject the term, many acknowledge that toxic behaviours can be observed among women. It is essential to consider the broader context of gender inequality and focus on addressing the more significant issues affecting women’s safety and well-being.
Understanding Toxic Femininity
Toxic femininity is the counterpart to toxic masculinity, encompassing harmful behaviours and expectations associated with women. It’s important to note that toxic femininity doesn’t imply that all women exhibit these behaviours or that they are inherently toxic. Instead, it recognises that societal pressures and stereotypes can sometimes lead to negative behaviour patterns.
Examples of Toxic Femininity
- Double Standards: Just as toxic masculinity perpetuates unfair expectations on men, toxic femininity can create double standards for women. It may involve gaslighting, hypocrisy, or denying one’s own behaviour while weaponising sisterhood.
- Competition and Manipulation: Women, like men, are not immune to unhealthy competition and manipulative behaviour. Mean-spirited comments, exclusionary tactics, and social manoeuvring can be a part of toxic femininity.
- Financial Expectations: Traditional gender roles have long placed the burden of financial responsibility on men. However, some women may still hold expectations that men should pay for dates or provide financial support, reinforcing unfair gender dynamics.
The Impact on Men
- Emotional Dismissal: Expressing vulnerability or discussing emotional needs can be met with indifference or dismissal, undermining the importance of emotional well-being for both men and women.
- Sexual Expectations: Mixed signals or shifting expectations around intimacy can leave men feeling confused and unsure of how to navigate consent and pleasure.
- Unrealistic Standards: Social media and popular culture portray exaggerated notions of what a man should be, perpetuating unattainable standards that can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.
Deconstructing Toxic Femininity
Deconstructing toxic femininity is a collective effort that involves men and women working together to redefine gender roles and expectations. Here’s how we can contribute
- Open Communication: Encourage open and honest communication in all aspects of your relationships. Creating a safe space for dialogue allows for mutual understanding and growth.
- Challenging Stereotypes: Question and challenge societal stereotypes related to gender. Promote equality and fairness by supporting women’s rights and advocating for gender-neutral expectations.
- Mutual Respect: Treat women as individuals with their own unique experiences, thoughts, and desires. Respect their boundaries and actively listen to their perspectives without dismissing or invalidating them.
- Shared Responsibility: Encourage shared responsibilities in all aspects of life, including financial matters, household chores, and emotional support. Collaboration and equality are the foundations of healthy relationships.
